evenmybreastsarehumble

Here I go again, searching for the perfect words to feed my thoughts. I like writing too much, I consider it my release. Well, today is not about me. Not even about the good stuffs which meet human eyes. Not something mundane. Today we celebrate the birthday of the most celebrated being—-Jesus Christ.

While Christians all over the world celebrate in grandiosity, I am left bewildered here in Skakah—-a place so lifeless, you’d even choose to die (jk) ;) For the past few days, I’ve been wondering how I can make my Christmas special even in my own little way. It’s my first time to celebrate Christmas away from my family and people I love. I am barefooted. I feel stagnant, a moribund, that I’m about to bleed. I recall one day I woke up crying, asking myself series of questions. Am I happy? Do I really want this? Is everything worth it? You know that weird feeling when you wake up one morning and you realize that everything which pleases you were all taken away from you. I almost have nothing here except for a good friend. There was this week when I didn’t even want to talk to anyone, or even if I had a convo I tend to mess it up. For a week, I easily got irritated. I even had a fight with my best friend. I felt everything was trying to pull me down, even gravity was conspiring against me. I was about to give up…then I decided to pray.

These past few days, I started praying longer than usual. I started praying more personal, more sincere, more solemn. I started meditating for minutes, smiling with all parts of my body. Even my liver started to smile. I decided to dump every angst I have within me. For weeks, I’ve been thinking on how to make my Christmas special that it suddenly struck me that it’s all about acceptance. I started to “accept.” The art of acceptance is the best Christmas gift I’ve ever received. The word acceptance goes beyond its transliteration. Acceptance taught me to enjoy things. Acceptance is when you don’t want to do the things you ought to do, and still you do it. And then suddenly, you wake up enjoying your tasks. Slowly, I’ve accepted that I am here in Skakah. This is my new home, and the people around me I should consider family (even it’s unimaginable, wink). Acceptance made me realize that I should be contented. For weeks, I’ve been practicing it. I mean, sometimes I still get irritated and I know it’s part of mastering the skill. It’s just that I’ve proven that the lesser you complain, the more you accept things, the more you act upon it, and the more you become a better person.

Today, I woke up doing 15-minute meditation then I went outside my window. I felt very close to the sun (Btw, the sun here in the desert is very beautiful). I was trying all sorts of crazy stuffs. Then I did 30-minute yoga. I enjoyed having my time in my hand, not trying to comply with the world’s obligation—-trying to slow things down, low-keyed. I thank God that I still have the time to stop and pray. As eve approached, I had my dinner with my two best buds (one Filipina, one Egyptian). I hit the ‘O Holy Night’ on play and turned off the lights before I touch my food. I savored the moment. I prayed with my heart. Suddenly, it hit me. Christmas is not about how grandiose or how festive you celebrate it. The essence of Christmas is Christ. It’s having the time to stop and thank Him for dying in our place. It’s having the time to appreciate. Then, my eyes started to secrete lacrimal fluid (tears, in layman’s jargon). I felt relieved. I felt more appreciative of the simple things that I have here in Skakah. I appreciate that I am given enough time to reflect…to thank God for everything that has been happening in my life. Good and bad alike, I know it’s for my betterment. I appreciate that I am with myself, not in the company of alcohol. I mean if I were in Philippines, I’d probably go crazy, party and forget to pause and pray. I appreciate my solitude, even ‘purdah’ (traditional seclusion of women from men) which I’m not really used to. I may have missed my yearly kind of Christmas, but I gained a much transcendental appreciation of Christmas. I am in touch with myself more. In touch with Christ more. In touch with life more. In touch with my spirit more. In touch with the little, minute things this big life could offer me. It’s about a matter of acceptance. And it’s the best Christmas gift I could ever wish for.